ritardo

Scrivo in italiano perchè è successa una cosa nella vita della mia famiglia, un cambiamento che disequilibra anche se so bene, come dice una cugi-mamma, finchè sono i vecchini a involarsi via significa che Madre Natura ed i suoi piani ancora funzionano...

Ma oggi non mi va proprio di esser qui, dall'altra parte del mondo, pare quasi esserci un ritardo nella percezione del dolore, un fuso orario imperdonabile che non lascia uscire nulla, tenere tutto dentro, in fondo allo stomaco, un misto di rabbia e tristezza.

E vorrei addormentarmi stanotte e risvegliarmi domattina a casa, dove sono nata, e correre nel lettone di mamma e papà e abbracciarli forte.
Vorrei condividere un po' di dolore, viverlo, starci dentro.

Alla mia mamma:
“Per rinviar quella morte che era un anticipo della mia morte, dunque mi tenevo sveglia. Per tenermi sveglia la tenevo sveglia e parlavo, parlavo. Le raccontavo ciò che non le avevo mai raccontato e non avrei mai raccontato a nessuno, le mie ferite, i miei rimpianti, i miei dubbi, prezioso fardello tuttavia giacché era esso stesso vita, le dicevo che malgrado quelle ferite e quei rimpianti e quei dubbi mi piaceva tanto la vita, ero così contenta d’esser nata, e la ringraziavo in ginocchio d’ avermi partorito.”
Oriana Fallaci

on my tiptoes

My mum sends me e-mails just to train herself to write and send e-mails, and I answered trying to train myself to write as well.
Suddenly I think.
Have you ever stopped a while, just a moment, just to turn back your head and tell you: "Look where I am ! Look at all the way I did!!"

It seems yesterday I was afraid to go alone at the supermarket, afraid of people laughing at me. Now, I really love to make people laugh: clown classes taught me the pure beauty of giving a smile and of laughing about ourselves.

So now I'm here, second time on the other side of the ocean sea. The same ocean that Fiona taught me not to fear, just to glide on it and, if you can, even to stand up.

Shortly there will be another decision to take.
Stay here a little more or go back.
Waiting.
As often it happens during life: you walk a little, then it's as if everything stops, everybody is looking at you waiting for a simple answer: yes or no.
Finally, you have to decide.
But Sarah taught me: "la vie ne se rate pas, la vie est!" (something like "life can't fail, life is!")
So you have just to breath slowly and let the answer going out that, as Giu said, I always know the answer till the beginning :).
Then you go on walking, a step after the other, POLE POLE as Elena told me in an African language I don't remember the name..
Some steps further you will look back again and you'll start laughing, figuring out where you got.

I love to think about Etty Illesum, a special woman that my mum let me know. Once, she was riding her bike in the Jewish ghetto, it was forbidden to go out of there. She glanced up and her eyes got lost in the huge sky, never still, always moving, always changing...always there to make our dreams flying higher.

So here I am, on my tiptoes, raking the horizon as a little sailor (with a needle and a thread in my pocket, for sure!)

p.s. soon I will add photos from my trip in Rio where I climbed the Pao de Açucar: pura vida!!!
Now I prepare myself for a weekend at the beach with surf and slackline :D :D